On Cupcakes or Why It's Likely You Devour Babies

What do you see when you see a cupcake?  A tasty treat, I'm sure.  A perfect balance of cakey, frosty goodness.  But what do I see when I pass by one of those ubiquitous cupcakeries and gaze upon the neat little rows of confections?  Baby cakes.  And not just baby cakes.  Orphan baby cakes ripped from the warm embrace of their cakey parents and whisked away to be bought and sold in the elicit cupcake trade; to be displayed as chattel under the sterile fluorescent lights of some faraway display case.  I can sense their apprehension as patrons stare at them through the glass, their breath fogging it up. Mouths watering and slightly agape; lips smacking. Eyes gleaming with gluttonous intent.  And of course, that apprehension turns into terror as the unlucky ones are selected for purchase, plucked away from their brothers and sisters, and deposited into the cold, dark confines of a pink baker's box (a coffin?) as they're transported to their Final Destination.  

I'd like to believe that these little cupcakes are too young to fully comprehend what's going on.  But instinct can be a substitute for comprehension and in this instance it signals to them loudly that their situation is grave. They must sense that the next time they see the light of day, it will only be for a fleeting moment as they're transferred from the baker's box to the gaping abyss of the human mouth to The End. 

So think about that the next time you eat a cupcake.  Not just that you're fostering the elicit cupcake trade, but that you're putting a premature end to a cakey existence; depriving that cupcake of the chance to grow up to be a magnificent birthday, wedding or some other type of full-grown cake. 

Although, you might be wondering, if a cake's sole purpose in life is to be consumed as a delicious treat, does it make a difference if that purpose is fulfilled in adulthood or as a baby (or even a fetus--e.g. cake pop)?  That is an interesting philosophical question you've posed.  To which I answer, why of course it's of utmost importance for a cake to reach adulthood before it's consumed.  Why? Because the consumption of a full-grown cake typically signifies a momentous occasion, be it a wedding or birthday or retirement.  And that's the full potential of a cake.  To be an integral part of those special moments in our lives. Why else do we make sure the cake is displayed prominently before consumption?  Look back on old photos of such moments, and in addition to smiling friends and family, you'll see a cake, beaming proudly with the quiet satisfaction that it played a small part in the affair.  Cupcakes, though?  If they're lucky, maybe a brief moment of fame on Instagram, but otherwise relegated to anonymity and obsolescence immediately upon consumption.  And if you're gonna go out in gruesome fashion--eaten alive--better to have lived life to its potential and made an impact on the world, right?

I doubt my plea will have any effect on cupcake consumption.  Alas, the Machine is too entrenched and too powerful. But I hope it makes you think.  And not just that I must have consumed some kind of hallucinogenic drug prior to writing this.  I assure you, I am completely sober.  Which may or may not be any better. Oh well.  Happy Weekend!  Nom. Nom. Nom. 

-KM

"This is the story all about how my life got turned, flipped upside down."